So, I need to get something of my chest, I have to stop running from what is in my head. I need to write a letter to someone, and maybe bearing my soul through these words can help one of you who reads this. I can’t keep running from the monsters in the head. It’s about time I picked up the sword and swung back… Even if all I can muster is one swing.
To the girl I loved a long ago,
To say that I can forget you would be the biggest lie I could ever tell. I can’t help that from time to time, when I close my eyes… I see your face. I’m haunted by my memories, a reminder of the pain that I have shoved deep down in a vain attempt to ignore it. I still bear the scars you carved into me, the broken pieces you shattered with the games you played, and the trust issues and rejection fears caused by your lies… I don’t think that will ever go away truly. I guess I have to accept that. I wish that I could cry, lose myself in the pain and finally be rid of it. But, alas… I find myself unable to.
I guess I have another confession to make… I was your fool. I was used and abused, a victim in the web of lies you set out. When I finally left you, it was anything but a clean break… Everyone has their chains to break, but I kept mine intact. I couldn’t remember how to live as a free man. I gave you my best, my all… me. But in the end, I needed somewhere to hang my head without your noose. I needed to learn how to live again. You took my faith and stripped it to the bone. You stole me from my family, slowly making me see them as the enemy. You won my heart, only to throw it into the trash when it best suited you. And after all this…
I can’t run from it… I have to be honest, even if it hurts…
I still love you, no matter how hard I try not to.
I don’t love you like I once did, I don’t love you anywhere near what once was… But I do still love you. I can’t make myself hate you, no matter how much I have tried. You used your words like knives against me, but… Somehow I still love you. It’s as if I have accepted your wicked treatment as all I am worth. But, I’m no fool anymore. I no longer just lie down like a doormat to walked all over, those days are gone. I have the scars, I don’t need any more time. My mind has done that enough for me.
And now… I’m left chasing after any love there could be, desperate to know what it feels like to be loved, not used. I want to feel something real, I want to feel again… I want to lose myself to something. I want to forget ho broken I am. But… I can’t. I’m afraid. All I have ever known in love is how to be used and believe it was love. All I know is the prison cell where you shoved me into, making me scared of a love with freedom. I am at war with my past, trying to win my future.
I know you’ll never read this. What you did to me… You’ll forever be naïve of your manipulation and cruelty. And, I guess I’m ok with that. This letter shall be my letting go… and perhaps… Just maybe, I’ll be able to cage a few of the monsters in my head permanently. All I know is… The longer this stayed inside, the more I died each day. You found a boy who you could take advantage of, but now I’m a man you can’t touch. I’m finally free.
You know who I am.